Before You Know Kindness:
Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. I would add compassionate to that, which means to be empathetic and sensitive. We look around the world today and we see so much unkindness. From verbal and physical assault to war and killing. We see television shows where unkindness serves as entertainment. But, of course, we are all spiritual people, and we are almost always kind. Are we not? Actually, there is much unkindness in religion and spirituality today. Our spiritual development requires that we learn to be kind.
Of course, you might agree, those fundamentalists are unkind to people who don’t believe the way do. They say that Jesus died for your sins and you’ll go to hell if you don’t believe; and that gay people are sinners. True, those belief systems do become excuses for a great deal of unkindness today. Historically Christianity has been unkind -- the inquisition, witch burnings, the Crusades, pogroms, and mass murder of those who disagreed were certainly unkind..
What did Jesus say about how we treat each other? “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:35-36)
In the past I have been told by fundamentalist Christians that I would burn in hell because I didn’t believe as they did. That was unkind and certainly didn’t pass the test of “What would Jesus say?” Yet, isn’t telling a person who has been assaulted or another who has cancer “The way you think is what caused this.” just as unkind?
There is much unkindness today in New Thought, Alternative Spiritual and A Course In Miracles communities. I have heard people use the Law of Attraction as a weapon against people who are in pain. “Well, it must be the way you think that got you into this!” In his book, The Healing Power of Kindness, Ken Wapnick writes: “I have said many times that when you have a problem, or are sick or in trouble, the last person you should call is a Course student...In all likelihood, you will only have a bunch of Course platitudes thrown at you.”
I have been unkind, too. Every time someone felt pain and I told them to be positive, I was unkind. I have met many new thought ministers who don’t want to hear about your pain; they just want you to be positive. There are times in our lives, usually when we are suffering, when we need kindness, not a lecture on the Law of Attraction. In the aforementioned book, Ken tells us to act “normal”. Do what normal people do; be empathetic.
When you encounter someone who is in pain it’s not about you being authentic, or you setting them straight, or about you telling the truth. The real question is, “What does this person need right now?” It’s about kindness. Kindness is about joining with another person, connecting.
Often we, in our spiritual development, believe we are to set others straight, to fix their attitudes. This is the same as my fundamentalist friends who want me to convert. They want to fix my belief system. When you believe it is your mission to fix someone, you separate yourself from them. You turn them into an object to be changed, rather than seeing them as a person who is putting out a call for love. Our need to fix others’ attitudes is really about changing them so that our world will seem right. In the past I wanted others to be positive so that I would feel okay, and so that my world would seem right. It was a projection of my own issues on them.
We cannot positively influence someone from a place of disconnection. If we think we are better, more spiritual, or that we have the right answer for someone, we disconnect. If we want to truly help someone, we need to be kind. That is, we empathize and we express compassion.
Last week I had the perfect opportunity to practice kindness with a neighbor. My neighbor is upset with the children and parents in the neighborhood because the children have been so noisy. Her other next door neighbor is building a play structure right next to her fence, and she fears it will draw all of the children in the neighborhood. This will mean more noise. She called an attorney and has taken action to prevent this structure from being built.
My neighbor came to me stressed and upset. I listened. She hates her job. My neighbor is a highly intelligent woman with a Ph.d. In her personal life she is responsible for the well-being of another person who is very ill. She comes home in the evening wanting to rest and relax, only to find children yelling and screaming near her house.
People create their own stress. I know this for myself and I teach it. I didn’t tell her that. I empathized. And when she referred to some our neighbors as “those people”, I stated very clearly that they weren’t “those people” to me. They were my neighbors.
My neighbor didn’t need a lecture on the causes of stress. She didn’t need her attitude adjusted. She needed to be heard and understood. She needed not to be judged, but accepted. She didn’t need for me to join her in her drama, or to take her side.
Being spiritual is about unity. It means that you look for ways to join with people, not for ways to separate yourself. The voice of your ego will encourage you to be right, to be special, and to turn others into objects. Next it will justify and defend your behavior. The Voice of Spirit will tell you to listen and to give people what they need. It will tell you to be kind.
Kindness doesn’t mean being nice. Niceness can be patronizing or
manipulative. Niceness is superficial. Niceness maintains your sense of separation. When we are “nice” to people we expect them to be nice back to us. When we are truly kind we have no expectations. We are kind because that is who we are.
In my work as an executive coach, I deliver difficult messages to managers who are negatively impacting their employees. I am not nice, but I am kind. I seek to be empathetic and non judgmental, yet I do not withhold negative information. My clients hear the truth, but with kindness.
The key to kindness is empathizing with a person’s plight, yet seeing through the conditions and acknowledging within your mind the powerful spiritual being who is before you. They don’t need a lecture on being positive. They need you to see them as already whole, already well, and already blessed. Your words are acknowledging the conditions, the pain, and how they must feel. Who you are is acknowledging their spiritual reality. Who you are will come through and have a positive effect.
If you are caught up in someone’s condition or in their attitude, it is your issue that needs work, not theirs. Work on releasing your judgments and replacing them with unconditional love and acceptance. Then behave in ways that make sense for the situation.
The practice of kindness is necessary to our spiritual growth. Every person you encounter is an opportunity to practice the spirit of kindness. Don’t forget to practice kindness toward yourself. Release your self judgments and guilt and accept yourself where you are now. It feels better to be kind than it does to judge. Practicing kindness will have you feeling lighter, more joyous, and peaceful. Thank God that you are not the manager of the Universe, and that it is not your job to change other people. It is your job to change how you see others, and then to be kind.
KINDNESS SHARED
- Random Acts of Kindness
- Practice R.A.K.
- R.A.K. Stories
- Showing Animals Kindness
- Words of Kindness
- Passion For Kindness
- Kindness Quotes
- 100 Acts of Kindness
- Free Poems Thank You
- Acts of Kindness
- Kill Them With Kindness
- Creative Kindness
- Celebrate Kindness
- Kindness Currency
- Intentional Acts of Kindness
- Kids For Kindness
- Speeches of Kindness
- Compassion Journey
- Before You Know Kindness
- Acts of Kindness To Husband